discontentment.

so i am going to be real with you blogger world. the last four months i've had a parasite just living off of me. and thats parasite's name is discontentment.

during my senior year of college i would say i was pretty content. i was

-living with my 6 best friends,

-in a theatre department that while was imperfect was still comfortable and easily navigated.

- i was surrounded by a loving community and in a city that feels like a big hug when you enter the city limits.

-i was single and had never been more thrilled about it and the opportunities that were on my horizon inspired and excited me.

-i auditioned all over thrilled about getting to take such control in my career and i accepted two acting jobs that were projects that were exciting and challenging.

-throw in a plan to move to new york city

-an invaluable internship at Bwood

this is a pretty packed, exciting, and creative year. and all of these good things were brought about in the perfect timing and blessings of the Lord.

so why now as i am living in it why am i so constantly discontent? bc i am fallen,selfish, foolish and ungrateful for all the gifts the Lord's put in my path. and yet in his goodness he loves me still.

-im discontent living with my parents ( even though im not paying rent and they're great. )

-i'm discontent living in b'ham ( even thought there are cool parts that im just now discovering )

-i'm discontent being single (even though im about to tour for the next 6 months and actually don't want to settle down quite yet )

-i'm discontent to leave briarwood bc it makes me feel like ill matter less as a volunteer than as a staff member ( even though i know this is the season of my life i am supposed to be an actor )

this blog i promise is called counting my blessings for a reason. give me a second to explain.

on my last day at briarwood i was feeling the biggest rush of discontentment/anxiety i have ever felt. i was walking up the stairs back to the office just praying "why Lord do i feel this way when i know nothing bad is happening its just not beyond great.? why do i feel so selfish and ungrateful when i know what i want for my life is to follow where You take me and i KNOW you've directed my paths completely over the next year?"

and the minute i got upstairs my sweet friend Lindsay had put a book on my desk that she bought me as a gift. its called " calm my anxious heart: a woman's guide to finding contentment"

boom.

i open it up and the excerpt i read on pg 13 gave me chills of conviction.

the author is describing two of her friends. one is a suburban woman who has EVERYTHING and is constantly discontent ( this sounded a heck of a lot like me ) and another friend who was a missionary in africa who barely had the necessities and lived a life of intentional contentment. when the author asked the second woman her method to being content this was her answer ( which made me cry just reading it )

"Ella's prescription for contentment"

*never allow yourself to complain about anything- not even the weather

*never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else.

*never compare your lot with another's

*never allow yourself to wish that this or that had been otherwise.

*never dwell on tomorrow- remember that tomorrow is God's not ours.

my quality of life would be so much greater if i lived like this. and it is my intention to try.

so i am counting my blessings.

"a soul sufficiency, a peace separate from my circumstances."

"contentment is a state of the heart not a state of affairs"

this author also quotes shakespeare and that kind of endeared her to me early in this book. i will leave you with what william shakespeare wrote about contentment. i hope this encourages you as it has me this week!

king henry iv

"my crown is in my heart, not on my head.

not decked with diamonds and indian stones.

nor to be seen; my crown call'd content

a crown it is that seldom kings enjoy"

amen.